my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
