the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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