respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize