i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
