I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
