I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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