yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
