he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
