I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
