Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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