I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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