if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
