I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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