im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
