...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
