I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
love makes seman taste better
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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