put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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