So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
