Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
