I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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