I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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