This girl is more easily done than said...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
