So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
