i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Say something about gay babies.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
