i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
