What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
