You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
