At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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