i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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