Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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