You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Say something about gay babies.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
