Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
