everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize