Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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