I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
