just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
