literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
