Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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