So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
