i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
