Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
