Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
His nipple licking is glorious
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