Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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