In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
