the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
