1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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