So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
