I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
