Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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