and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
