All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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