New invention idea: vibrating tampons
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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