Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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