In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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