Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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