I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
