I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
