the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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