shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
