Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
someone owes me an orgasm
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
